When I went off the grid of organized Christianity, I went through this blackout period when I could not stomach hardly anything to do with God, Christianity, the Bible, prayer, etc… An interesting place to be for a former seminary grad and successful Senior Pastor. Didn’t go to church, didn’t converse about God or Christianity, didn’t pray, didn’t read my Bible, didn’t listen to “Christian music”… nothing! It was during this period when I, in many respects for the first time, became deeply connected to myself, others, the divine, and life, and became a new foundation for forging ahead, including my interests in Jesus.
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There was a way that art opened me. It was the poets, painters, photographers, musicians, dancers, writers, tattooers, playwrights and performers who emboldened me to plummet the depths of my own soul, and travel the distance of my deepest feelings.
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I found that most people don’t really want to know the truth. There are plenty of people who want to know the truth on their terms or require that the truth be contained within certain boundaries of comfort. But truth can never be known this way. You have to seek truth from a place of not knowing, and that can be a very threatening place because we think we already know the truth or we are afraid of what the truth might be.
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I came to a decision. Whatever anyone said they believed, including myself, if it didn’t produce love, freedom and beauty, I didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
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Jesus said “I am the truth,” which we mistakenly turned into some kind of a theological proposition about God, the gospel, eternal life, etc… Jesus confronted this mentality when he scolded the religious leaders for burying their heads in the scriptures while missing the truth that Jesus was, lived, and expressed. Jesus’ words “I am the truth” have so many layers of profound significance that many Christians never discover because they plug these words into some sort of formula for “being saved” or theological litmus test. We have pressed no further than the foot of Mt. Everest, when it comes to these words of Jesus, and speak as though we have reach the summit.
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So much of religion seems to be about fear:
fear of going to hell;
fear of having bad theology;
fear of not satisfying your end of the bargain so God will favor you and bless you;
fear of others finding out how much you’re not really like the person you project and pretend to be;
fear of trusting your own inner guidance and fear of thinking for yourself;
fear of not upholding the expectations of your religious sub-culture;
fear of sexuality;
fear of people who are different;
fear of the world…
I spent over a year soaking in one verse of scripture, “God is love” and every one of those fears disintegrated. There is no fear in love, or so I learned.
The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.
Jim, so much of what you say is so true. In fact, it seems the way that you put words and how they come out is exactly what’s inside of me. I cannot express these feelings and all to others the way that you put it… It just doesnt come out properly etc. people tell me im depressed or I need a therapist. Do you know how sick and tired of people telling me that the problem is me? That’s why I enjoy reading your blogs so much and I relate to so much of what you talk about. I went to a meeting last night. I am going to another one at noon today. But, my point is that Ive been in this place that you talk of. I’ve been here for quite some time now. I can say it’s been exactly a yr and a half, honestly Ido not think I am an alcoholic, but the meetings provide me a sense of relief and belonging I guess. I still haven’t been able to get out of the slumber of not wanting to seek church or The Bible or God for that matter. Sick of people saying…”You need to go to church…” I too have found a new peace within the arts and being grateful and appreciative for these things and the people that it has brought into my life. It seems the battle is always there. It’s never ending. I heard last night, that I…well. not me per se, am mentally, spiritually, and physically sick or dead i can remember exactly…and that the craziness that goes on around me is what causes it. It’s not me. I’m tired of being told its me. I’ve been trying to run for sometime now. Run run run far away and it never seems to happen. Something always keeps me here in this place. I keep searching and trying to get to the place that I think I want or need to be. But all the chaos around me prevents it. So, here I go I landed at a meeting again. I’m continuing this search, this battle, this quest. I know one day it will all make sense I guess.
Who is the Word to those who can not read any language, or who cannot hear you speak? In the name of doctrinal purity (read: isolationism, defensiveness, fear) we erect barriers to our brothers and sisters who so desperately need truth, hope. I am an apostate to the institution in order that some may see Truth. I am not proud of this. It breaks my heart. As a seminary grad and former successful institutional church “player” my paradigm shift occurred in the midst of personal tragedy. After the “dust” began to settle, the only ones left nearby were the other apostates…the church institution fled in fear for the marring of her image. Oh, and then there was Jesus, in and through the other apostates loving and healing. The Truth remains.
In response to you Jeff, I often wonder how peaceful like must actually be to be completely mute, blind or deaf… It’s through touch and other senses they can get the “love” of God/Christ. God knows how to reach everyone I suppose. But, what a peaceful place to be. That’s all I can say
no chatter. No arguing about what is the right or wrong way. I know there is a verse that says everyone will be reached at some point in some way and shown.
Guess it is all fear based. God is Love for sure. But, when in the moments gotta find a way to overcome the fears I guess. We can break it down one by one I suppose. Fear of failure, fear of trusting oneself, fear of expectations for sure.
there are no certainties . . . it is the illusion of certainties which grinds faith into useless powder blown by any wind that comes along . . .
discovered your blog recently . you write well and clearly from the heart. The journey of love continues
detoxing religion … detoxing the ‘false self’ of religious christendom …. awakening to the Truth, the One Who is Truth …… necessary for us all ….